So I’m typing this as my girls are soundly asleep. I slept about 5 hours last night and have been for the past couple of weeks. I am EXHAUSTED, but I just can’t sleep. Let me start by saying, I’ve never felt so drained in my life. Drained of energy, emotion and thought. I feel depression creeping up on me slowly and as much as I try to avoid or change it, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. I’m having many days where I’m just being a couch potato. Lazy, tired and beaten up.
I’ve had to learn the hard way is important sleep is for the human body. It’s funny because the girls get anywhere from 8-10 hours of sleep. But me, when I just suddenly wake up from my deep sleep at 3 am, my thoughts take over. No matter how hard I try to close my eyes and push away my thoughts, it’s pointless. My mind just starts racing. So many thoughts and unfortunately not too many are happy thoughts. I should be grateful for everything I have in life, especially my daughters. They bring me so much joy but then these bad days hit, and I feel like a horrible mother for keeping them indoors for so many days. As happy as I am, these bad days hit and I’m suddenly dragging a cart full of bricks everywhere I go. So I take a few steps, then sit. Take a few steps then lay down. Take a few steps and now I need a nap, absolutely no energy.
So the girls nap and I have some peace and quiet where I can finally sleep. So, I lay down, close my eyes, and they’re coming. The thoughts. They’re like strong waves slowly but surely coming closer and then I’m suddenly drowning and there’s nothing that can save me. I think about my childhood and how easy being a child was. I’m thinking of my family miles away who only God knows how much longer they’ll be around. How much longer will I be around? Will I be here long enough to see my daughters grow up? What type of mother am I? Wife? Daughter? Good or bad? Did I say something wrong? What did I do wrong? Did I hurt this person? Does this person care about me like I do him/her? And the list just goes on.
So it recently hit me. After becoming a mother, I’ve lost a sense of the person I am. I’ve felt lost so many times that I’m suddenly losing the person I was (becoming a mother, we face so many emotional rollercoasters, too many to count). So now, what type of person will I become? These are the new and most recent thoughts. This is it. This is the adult life everyone had warned me about. And motherhood surely opened my eyes, very widely, to it. This is my new life. I am a mother and wife and my life is not only about me anymore, it’s really not. But, it’s definitely making sure I’m on the top of the list. I haven’t been functioning completely lately and it’s not only hurting me, but others around me as well.
I’m trying to put myself first but it gets difficult when these negative days come around. It’s like a cycle. I pick myself up after I’ve been down for too long and tell myself, “That’s it, you can’t live like this. Get up off your ass and live.” And it works wonders, for a couple of weeks. Then I start to slowly give up. I start to feel sad. And then it’s that one moment of sadness that completely breaks me down. Once I’m down, it’s takes some time to get back up. How do I break this cycle? How do I become the person I want to be, without breaking down?
How do I make sure I become the person I want to be? This is where I’m still stuck. I want to be the bigger and better part of who I was, but I don’t want to lose myself in the process. The most important thing I hold onto are my prayers. But I’m still stuck in the middle of the person I want to be.